Birdhouse
by RatherHomely
Summary: How would you feel if each day you woke up, went to work, and had a bird shoved down your throat? Valerie knows that feeling. He's a little tired of it. Inspired by BiteWorseThanBark's story Bitter. T for language.


"So, I have been slain…" Japhet coughed weakly, speckles of blood spraying from his mouth. Despite the Batter's victory he displayed no emotion, no sign of thrill or pleasure. From Japhet's vantage point, laying crippled on the ground in a pool of blood, the man looked larger than life. Japhet was the millennial firebird, far taller than any puny mortal, and yet the pajama-clad sports figure seemed even bigger than him. He muttered his dying words; "You can be proud to have accomplished your mission, Batter…"

"Valerie…" the Judge muttered. The emotions in his voice were torn with conflict. Was that anger Japhet heard? Pity? Sorrow? What maelstrom must the Judge escape from?

"You've been defeated, Japhet, guardian of the second zone," the Batter spoke in an even, detached voice, unbearably monotone. "This land is now pure."

And with those words the sky slowly brightened, bathing the roof in a light so blinding that even the millennial firebird had to shut his eyes. Zone 2 was no more.

At least, for this playthrough.

"Cut!"

Japhet stood up on his two hoofs and stretched his wings. He could hear a few cracks as he did so, either from old age or the wear and tear of so many staged battles. Finally! Nothing was better to Japhet than being able to relax after a rough fight scene. While the Batter and he avoided harsh blows, there were always a few bruises that stubbornly stuck around afterwards. Speaking of which…He turned to the Batter who was starting to wipe some fake blood off his bat. "Ease up next time, alright? My health was dropping faster than a rock."

"Sorry," The pajama clad sports star had relaxed slightly from his typical stoic posture. Out of character Japhet knew the Batter to be not nearly as serious as when he was in front of the camera. He was still dull as hell though. There were some bits of programming seemed to persist even out of character. "The player was actually doing the fighting manually. Far more competences than I'd usually use."

The firebird continued to get the cricks out of his neck as a few Elsen climbed onto the roof. One hurried over to the fake blood puddle located where Japhet had been lying down a moment ago, mop in one hand and bucket of plastic in the other. Another rushed over to the Batter, taking his baseball bat after the Batter asked for it to be put in his trailer.

Another asked the Judge if he needed anything. "A cup of aged milk topped with lashed cream would be exquisite."

The last Elsen approached Japhet. The bird liked having a personal assistant. Even though he didn't actually control a zone, being an important character did come with some perks and privileges. "If you'd be so kind, fetch me a good book and a latte. Boiling, preferably." The Elsen gave a quick nod before he rushed off dutifully. Now that Zone 2 was complete, perhaps he could have a little R&R. But... Something was off. A little voice in the back of his head was telling him he... he forgot something. Yeah, that was it. Was it something to do with the Elsen? Perhaps he should he call the little man back? Did he remember to request whipped cream?

Japhet gave a mental shrug. He just couldn't remember. It probably wasn't anything too important if it slipped his mind though.

"Judge," Japhet turned to his fellow actor, "Excellent work today. A superb show of emotions!"

"You have my gratitude," the cat gave Japhet what he took to be a gracious smile. You could never quite tell with those cats quite what they were emoting. "Your performance made it far easier to express such emotions, refrain from subtracting the credit from where the credit belongs. And Batter, you were…" He gave a sideways glance at the protagonist, hesitating as he thought of something to say. "Exquisitely monotone, as usual. A perfect expression of your character's inability to express anything."

The Batter nodded. "It's what I do."

"And you did it VERY well!" A specter wearing a black hat with 'director' written on it floated up to the group, followed by a group of specters holding cameras and lighting equipment. Having cameramen that could fly made shooting scenes of the game much easier, especially considering a majority of the game consisted of aerial views. Any other option would have been far more difficult; they didn't have helicopters or other flight equipment, and from what Japhet heard the whales were always fumbling with the cameras. "You did so well, that the boss has authorized me to give you all a free lunch!"

The bird smiled at this. Typically all the cast had was a poorly stocked deli line. They didn't even serve small insects. "Where to, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Drum roll please!" The director waited a few seconds as the others stared at him. "You're all getting meal tickets for a free lunch at Jozlyn's Cafe!"

The three actors exchanged glances.

"Um, Jim?" the Batter said slowly, "You realize Jozlyn's food is crap, right?"

"I believe I speak for all of us," the Judge added, "when I confess that I would rather ingest the meal ticket than any comestible that leaves Jozlyn's kitchen."

The director gave a dismissive wave of his stumpy, ghostly hand. "Hey, as long as you get some use out of them. The boss had em' lying around, so he decided to get rid of them. Besides," He gave the Batter a playful nudge with his elbow. "Aren't you eating tickets all the time?" He started laughing hysterically. "You know, cause you keep using the luck and fortune tickets to heal health? Get it? Huh?" Japhet could only roll his eyes. Yes, he was bad at jokes, but at least he was easy going during filming.

"Yes sir, very funny," The Batter gave nothing away except for an icy glare. "Should I hurry over to Zone 3 now for the next part of the game?"

"Nah, the player's saved his game and exited. You all get a breather," The director took some slips of paper out of his pocket. "Anyways, here you four go, a ticket for each of you. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some annoying puzzles to set up over in Zone 3." He handed the four tickets to the Batter to distribute before taking off with his ghostly entourage.

But Japhet was left puzzled. Four tickets? Who was…?

Shit! The voice from before that was telling him he forgot something… That voice wasn't IN the back of his head; it was ON the back of his head. He lowered his head to about a foot off the ground and, sure enough, a small, miserable looking cat jumped off. The poor thing had been forced to go for ride for the past five minutes! Did he swing his head around a lot? What if Valerie had slipped and fell off the side of the library?! "Valerie, I am so sorry! I forgot you were there!" Japhet looked over at his other co-stars. "Why didn't either of you tell me I'd forgotten to take him off my head?!"

The Judge let out a small chuckle. "My apologies, it was somewhat comical to see my brother swinging to and fro atop your cranium. Admittedly, my curiosity was piqued by how long it would be before you took notice."

Japhet shot him a nasty glare before he turned to the Batter. "And you?"

"Forgot."

The giant bird sighed. Ask a simple man a question, get a simple answer.

He turned back to the cat. "Valerie, are you okay?" The small cat gave a nod, but Japhet still felt his stomach knotting up. The two of them spent a good deal of time uncomfortably close, so the last thing he wanted to do was sour their work relationship. "Look, um… I feel bad. I want to make it up to you, so feel free to take my meal ticket."

"I'm getting the impression," the Judge joked, "that you wish to poison my brother with Jozlyn's food."

"Honestly, I'm fine," Valerie finally spoke up, "I was just on your head for a little longer than usual. It's not like I was in danger or anything." That was enough to calm Japhet. If there's one thing he hated, it was putting someone in unnecessary risk. "I'll accept the meal ticket if it makes you feel any better."

"It would."

"This is nice and all," the Batter cut in, "but I'm going to head home. Sounds like the player is done for the day. See you all tomorrow." Without another word he began climbing down the ladder.

While the Batter was curt, Japhet did agree with his sentiments. He was tired too. Perhaps he would meet up with Dedan and Enoch for some drinks at Alain's Pub before he'd hit the sack. "Would you two like a ride home?" he asked the two cats.

The Judge looked as though he was about to answer, but Valerie beat him to it. "Thanks, but I've ridden on top of enough firebirds for one day."

Japhet nodded. "I understand, and..." He rubbed the back of his head with one wing, thinking about what to say. Was Valerie still upset? "... Sorry again. I may be having drinks with the other guardians later at Alain's. Open invitation, okay? See you tomorrow."

After exchanging a few more pleasantries, Japhet took to the air. As he flew he watched Valerie, the Judge, and the library disappear as he ascended above the clouds. He couldn't help but wonder what was running through Valerie's mind right now. And it wasn't until Japhet had already returned to his penthouse atop an apartment complex that he suddenly realized…

He forgot to wait for his book and latte.

* * *

Valerie watched as Japhet disappeared into the clouds, leaving him, the Judge, and an Elsen with a mop on the roof. "Shall we get going?"

"Patience, dear brother," the Judge purred, "Good things come to those who wait." Sure enough, an Elsen holding a small, porcelain dish climbed up onto the roof and set it down in front of the Judge. The cat let out a contented purr and began to lick at its contents.

Valerie flicked his tail impatiently. What he really wanted to do was go home and leave the day behind him. "Do you really need to have them serve you aged milk? It doesn't make it taste any better. I'd say it makes the milk taste worst."

"Au contraire, dear Valerie," he responded between licks, "my eclectic tastes provide me with the ability to appreciate unique flavors which you sadly will never understand."

"I've tried aged milk. I was able to eat it with a spoon."

The Judge finished off the last of the dish's contents. "How do you know the milk was aged properly? Perhaps it wasn't even aged... Maybe the milk wasn't ripe enough."

Valerie looked the Judge right in the eye, but his brother wasn't giving anything away. "I can't tell if you're messing with me or not."

"Would I mess with my sweet brother?"

"Yes."

"You wound me!" He placed a paw dramatically over his heart. "I can feel the newly added contents of my stomach emptying out of the horrible gash you have inflicted upon my pride!"

Valerie couldn't help but laugh at Pablo's melodrama. "I'm pretty sure the chunks of sour milk would end up plugging the hole."

"See?" The Judge's grin widened. "Aged milk has positive medical attributes as well. All the more reason to enjoy. Come; let us expedite ourselves to our residence of choice."

The two began the journey home.

Valerie didn't mind the walk. It was a simple matter of getting back to the warp point at the entrance to Zone 2. From there they'd take the world map to a location tucked away in the corner where no player could get to, then they'd be in OFF's non-gameplay district, simply called 'The City'. It was full of residences ranging from apartments for Elsen to suites for major characters. There were cafés, restaurants, theaters... You name it, it was there. The boss himself described The City to be like a small slice of a real world metropolis, such as Paris or London. There were even trains that could take characters from OFF to other games for a visit. He could still remember when Pablo had convinced Him to accompany the cat on a trip to 'American McGee's Alice' while Pablo was auditioning for a role as the Cheshire Cat in the game's sequel. His brother thought he had a strong audition, and his convoluted vocabulary was actually a requirement for the character, but the creators ended up just programming a new cat from scratch. Needless to say OFF didn't get many, if any, visitors from other games. Apparently they had a reputation of being 'creepy'.

But besides the walk not being an overly arduous task, Valerie enjoyed the chance to just think. And when he was walking with someone else, he enjoyed the chance to talk.

"So, brother, that was some good work you did today."

"Many thanks, fair Valerie. By the way, were you in the mood to take up Japhet's offer?"

Valerie could feel an annoyance well up inside him. Was his acting not worth commenting on? He didn't do much, granted, but... "I think I'd rather just curl up by the fire and take a nap."

"Come now," the Judge persisted, "it's not every day that we have enough spare time to engage in leisurely activities like feasting upon liquids."

"I suppose..." The truth was that Valerie wasn't in the mood. There was something about today that made him feel like he'd drank some sour milk. He thought back to what happened on the roof. _I'm so sorry Valerie; I forgot you were up there. _That bugged him. _'And what about you?' he asked the Batter. 'Forgot.' _All these comments felt like they were burrowing into Valerie's brain. And this wasn't the first times he'd felt this way. "Pablo?" His brother's ears perked up. "Do you ever feel jealous of the Batter?"

"Hmm?" The Judge didn't seem to have been expecting that. "I'd assess the answer negatively. His acting is akin to a child reading a script in a most monotone, inelegant manner."

"I mean..." Valerie thought his words over before continuing. "Are you jealous of his bigger role? You're one of the best actors in the cast, and yet you aren't the lead protagonist. Does that bother you?"

"Not particularly," he coolly answered, "The Batter's role requires a certain kind of acting, and it is a method I deplore. Besides, I am provided with ample screen time to express my innate qualities to a strong degree. In addition, I am provided with an ending I can call my own. Perhaps the second part of the game is severely lacking in catness, but I remain unperturbed." He gave Valerie a curious look. "Why do you inquire? Is there a matter that is eating away at you?"

"Err..." There was no way Pablo would understand what he was talking about. "No, nothing."

The Judge eyed him suspiciously. "Are you certain? You can talk to me-"

"I, uh, just remembered that I had something important to do at home," Valerie burst out, "Why don't you go to Alain's and meet up with the guys, okay?"

"I, uh," The Judge seemed bewildered at the sudden change in topic. "Are you sure you don't want to partake in liquids? I believe the bird's invitation was an act of apology…"

"I'm sure, just… It's important, okay?"

"Very well. Enjoy your evening then."

They'd finally reached the warp point out of Zone 2 and, with respective goodbyes, warped away, Valerie going to a point just a few blocks down from the suite that he shared with the Judge. It was a good thing he had a guardian for a brother, otherwise he'd probably end up with a lousy apartment like the numerous Elsen and Specters that lived throughout The City.

He materialized on the sidewalk with numerous Elsen walking past in a hurried manner while numerous Specters either walked slowly past or floated above the streets. It was early evening, and from the looks of it many people, living and dead alike, were anxious to get home. The streets were a place where everyone, be they important or not, got lost in the crowd, another face in the masses. Valerie liked this.

He ambled along the sidewalk, careful to dodge the legs of those passing by. Despite the fact he was in a crowd he felt quite alone. And of course, when he was alone on a walk, it was the perfect time to think.

And to ask… Why was he so upset? The answer felt obvious. Jealousy. He was jealous of those like the Batter and the guardians. Zacharie was the obligatory merchant. Why did he get more lines than Valerie? Of course, who was Valerie kidding? Whenever he was on-screen it was never he who spoke. It was always Japhet. Japhet was the one that talked through the corners of Valerie's mouth. It wasn't Valerie's character that was developed. What did the player learn about his character? That he was the Judge's brother and that he couldn't eat a whole bird.

So it was simply that. Jealousy. How petty. Now that that matter was settled, He could move on with his life. He no longer needed to dwell on it.

The cat listened to the collective pitter patter of shoes as they hit the sidewalk, all creating an orchestra that echoed throughout the city. His mind wandered; how did the Elsen and the Specters feel as they floated between day to day activities? Did they find solace in their life's course? Did they feel a raging jealousy like he-?

Oh, god damn it. Why couldn't emotions and thoughts be stuffed into a bottle and shoved into the back of a closet, never to be heard from again? Life would be so much simpler.

Valerie quickly darted after an Elsen that had opened the door to his apartment building. It was a decent place. Potted plants and a lone chandelier of modest value decorated the lobby. He made another quick dash to the elevator where a couple of Elsen stood inside and managed to slip in just before the door closed.

"Ten please," he huffed, taking the moment of rest to catch his breath. The Elsen dutifully pressed the corresponding button, and the elevator began its ascent in silence.

A few moments ticked by before one of the Elsen spoke up. "Excuse me, hhh, Mr. Judge?"

"Valerie."

The Elsen looked confused. "What do you...? You're a cat, so-"

"I'm Valerie," he snapped, "There are more cats running around than just Judge."

"Oh."

More silence.

It annoyed Valerie.

"So did you have a question for me?" Valerie hissed.

"Uh, no..." The Elsen shifted his weight back and forth uncomfortably.

Valerie could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. "What, you don't think I can answer the question as well as my brother?"

"Well, I-"

"I'm just as important as him!"

"Uh..." The Elsen let out a cry of surprise as the elevator doors opened, allowing a quick exit. "Sorry this is my stop bye!"

Valerie's gaze turned towards the other Elsen who was tugging on his collar nervously. "And you?"

"Well, uh," He tugged even harder. "This wasn't my floor, but it is now." He made a hasty retreat.

The doors slowly closed and the elevator continued upwards.

... What was wrong with him?

* * *

The fireplace roared as Valerie curled up into a tight ball in a small, comfortable cat bed nearby. He'd spent the evening reading up on normative ethics and was ready for a long, wonderful rest to put the day to an end. But the day was not planning to end quite yet, as a soft, yet insistent knocking on the front door awoke him from the fringe of sleep. With a long stretch and a yawn, Valerie walked over to the door. Grabbing hold of a rope that dangled down from the door's handle, he gave it a strong tug, opening the door in the process. He practically jumped out of his skin as the largest face he'd ever seen grinned at him through the doorway.

"... Good evening. May I come in?" the big mister asked politely, "I have brownies." He held up a tray of baked goods.

Valerie checked quickly to see that his heart hadn't jumped out of his body and run away before giving a quick nod. Despite his large girth the man somehow managed to squeeze through the doorway without tearing the walls down around him. To the cat's surprise, he wasn't the only one that had arrived; his brother was draped over his shoulder, clearly unconscious.

"Enoch, you nearly scared me half to death," Valerie asked earnestly as he shut the door behind the giant man. "What are you doing here? What happened to Pablo?"

"Calm yourself, friend," Enoch set the Judge down in a cat bed appropriately named 'Pablo's', then put the brownies on a nearby table. "He'll be fine by the morning. Japhet, Dedan and the Judge each boasted they could drink the most Sugar Bombs at Alain's without passing out."

Valerie let out a groan. That idiot brother of his would be cranky as hell in the morning. The proprietor and bartender Alain was a known sugar junkie, so in order to satisfy his sick craving he diffused sugar down to its purest state before refining it even further. Just add a bit of rum for kicks and you've got the Sugar Bomb, an alcoholic drink that gives a sugar rush so strong that your brain short circuits and crashes almost immediately after a single swig. Those who could finish a single drink had the honor of getting their picture put on the pub's winner wall, as well as a free t-shirt with 'I Survived the Bomb' written on it. Even from several feet away Valerie could smell the sickly sweet odor on his brother's breath. It was hard to believe Alain drank the stuff like water.

"So who won?"

Enoch shrugged. "Can't say. They all collapsed after their first swig. In any case, I took it upon myself to carry them all home."

"Okay, well thanks for bringing Pablo back."

"My pleasure." The giant gave him a big smile. "By the way, where were you? It's been a while since you and the Judge joined us for drinks."

"Oh, um," Valerie but his lip as he thought up an excuse. "I had some reading I wanted to catch up on."

"Ah, I see. Pity. Japhet was quite disappointed."

He attempted to feign ignorance. The last thing he wanted was to be guilt tripped for not accepting an apology invite. "Oh? I can't say I know why."

"Hmm…" Enoch tapped a meaty finger a few times on the table. "Let it be known that Japhet will not give up so easily. The boy has a habit of giving people what they deserve. Whether that be punishment or reward."

"Fantastic…" Valerie grumbled, more to himself than the giant. Couldn't Japhet just let it go? It wasn't a big deal what had happened. It shouldn't be. It wasn't.

"Well, I don't wish to impose or anything."

Enoch started to head for the door before Valerie called out, "Wait a minute, don't leave so soon… I don't wish to be left alone with my thoughts right now."

"As you wish," Enoch sat down in a large sofa which was more like a regular chair for him. "The Judge told us he thought something was eating at you. And behold, the cat spoke true."

"I think a certain cat likes to run his mouth off when he's not supposed to..." Valerie gave an indignant hiss. If he was going to talk about his troubles he didn't want Pablo to do it on his behalf.

"He just cares about you," Enoch replied, "as most brothers do." He rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Please, try one of my brownies. It's a new recipe and will surely put your mind at ease."

"I suppose." Valerie leapt on top of the table. The tray was around half empty, assumedly because the others had eaten them earlier at the pub. That was promising at least. He picked one before turning back to Enoch. "Say, big guy… Are you ever jealous of the others?"

"Curious…" Enoch rubbed his chin with a large hand. "Elaborate, if you would."

"I mean," Valerie took a small bite out of the brownie before continuing. "Do you ever feel that they have a bigger role than you? Cause, you know, you only appear at the very end of zone 3. Japhet and Dedan appear throughout their zones. And not to mention the Batter who gets most of the action."

"Ah, I finally see what this is about!" Enoch clapped his hands together in triumph at finally discovering what he thought to be the cause of Valerie's woes. "Considering I'm one of only ten named characters in the entire game, I'd say I feel very fortunate to have the role that I do, and the popularity to go with it. Have you seen Tumblr? They love me on there!"

"Yeah," Valerie mumbled as he took another bite, "you and Dedan both."

"But let me turn the question back on you," Enoch leaned back and crossed his legs, "are YOU jealous?"

The cat swallowed before answering. "I guess so. It's like… Whenever I'm on camera, I'm not really there. That's just cat-Japhet. I feel so unimportant, you know?"

The big man nodded. "I see."

"But it's more than that," Valerie continued, not quite sure where he was going, "There's something deeper that I can't quite put my claw on. It's like a weight, even though I'm not quite sure what that weight is. In the early days, when all of us could only speak French, I was content with my role. I did my part, I did it well, damn it. But eventually I wanted to do more. I became jealous. I feel like I've been that way for a long time now, whether I actually acknowledged that or not. But now I feel as though there's something else that bothers me, rooted even deeper. Like some sort of deep epiphany lies just beyond my reach."

"It is my belief," Enoch responded, "that every being has a right to strive for happiness, no matter what that happiness may be. You may continue to stew in your jealousy, Valerie, but being jealous won't change anything. You have to be proactive. If you desire something greater, don't just talk to me about it. Do it. Now…" He suddenly clapped his hands together, causing Valerie to jump a little. "How was the brownie?"

"Oh, um…" Valerie looked down at his front paws to find the brownie had mysteriously vanished, leaving only a trace of brown crumbs. He reached for another and started digging in. "These are fantastic! What's in them?"

"Elsen."

He immediately dropped the brownie like it was on fire, spitting small brown chunks out of his mouth. Enoch let out a boisterous laugh before standing up and starting for the door.

"Just joking. Remember to lighten up a bit, Valerie. Being serious and jealous all the time is no healthier than eating sweets all day. Ciao! Don't forget to stick the brownies in the fridge or they'll go stale!"

"... Goodbye, Enoch."

Once again Valerie found himself alone. He grabbed another brownie in one paw and stared into the fireplace, his brother's sleeping form off to the side. So… The only person who could change the status quo was him, was that right? He'd always felt resigned to his task. Fate may be fickle, but it had a startling constancy to it.

Valerie shook his head as though his incoherent thoughts would line back up if they did so. He was starting to sound like his brother. In his head. That was hardly a good sign. Perhaps it was best to follow Pablo's lead now and get some sleep.

* * *

When Valerie awoke he found the Judge already gone. It was common for Pablo to have to get up earlier to get on set. After all, he was in a good portion of the game, so he often needed to be on call for filming. Valerie loped over to the cabinet to get some food. Some Meow Mix was just what he needed to start the day. The two brothers always picked up the stuff canned. Considering both cats had built-in can openers it was more convenient.

Valerie unceremoniously dumped the contents of the container into his dish. Today they'd be working with a different player than the previous day. They'd probably need Valerie on set late-morning, or early-afternoon if the player was an idiot. Rumor has it that this player was going for a speed-run or something, so Valerie didn't want to take any chances. He quickly finished his breakfast and made his way out the door, into the elevator, down the building, out of the elevator, through the front entrance and…

Run into Japhet?

"Oh, Valerie!" The bird started in surprise, practically crushing an Elsen beneath his hoof as he took a step back. "You'd think since I was waiting for you that I wouldn't be so startled when you came out the door…"

"... Waiting for me?"

"Yes!" he nodded excitedly, "I figured since you weren't able to make it to Alain's last night, I could give you a lift to work."

He groaned. "You… You aren't going to stop trying to do me favors until I accept, are you?"

Japhet's eyes widened in panic. "Would you rather I not? I mean, god, have I been bothering you too much? If I pissed you off or something, I can just-"

"Stop." Valerie rubbed the bridge of his nose with his paw. It was too early for this. He looked at Japhet who earnestly stared back. The bird just wanted to do something nice for him. Why the hell was he being so stubborn about accepting? Taking his frustration out on Japhet wasn't going to fix anything.

He walked up to Japhet and stood by his side, tapping a paw impatiently against the sidewalk. The bird tilted his head in confusion. "Well?" Valerie finally said, "Aren't you going to help me up?"

Japhet, realizing what he meant, gave Valerie a big smile and scooped him up in one wing and placed him on his back. "Hold on tight, we're taking off!"

With a mighty flap of both his wings, Japhet launched himself into the air, Valerie clinging to his neck for dear life. It wasn't long before they cleared the apartment buildings. Valerie could see the buildings shrink beneath him as they climbed higher and higher. They scraped the clouds themselves before finally surpassing them.

It was absolutely breath-taking.

Actually, if it wasn't for the fact they were videogame characters, at this height it probably would've been literally breath-taking.

Japhet, who had been rushing at a breakneck pace on the way up, was now gliding smoothly through the sky. "How's the view back there?"

"Simply incredible, I wish I could fly. I envy you." That was truer than Valerie liked to admit.

"About yesterday…" Crap. There was no way to avoid the conversation now that Valerie was stranded in the air atop the bird he wanted to avoid. "I'm really sorry."

"Yeah, I've been getting that impression."

"... I was talking to Enoch this morning…"

Valerie sighed. Didn't anyone keep conversations private anymore? "I think a certain person likes to run his mouth when he isn't supposed to... What life lesson would you like to impart upon me?"

"No life lesson. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the work you do. You may feel as though your part is small, but, if nothing else, you're important to me. So… Thank you, I suppose."

"... Sure."

The rest of the flight was filled with silence.

* * *

"Okay, ladies," The director floated up to the cast and crew of Zone 2, all gathered together in a group at the big open spot in the residential area. It was where Japhet gave his speech about halfway through the player's progress in the zone, so Valerie came here often. Besides Japhet and him, Valerie could see a variety of others amongst the crowd. The Batter, as usual, was present. There were the big actors, like the Judge and Zacharie. And of course, all the rest. Elsen and Specters filled the gathering space from their sheer numbers, but that was just what they needed for the generic NPC's and enemies. Not to mention all the behind the scenes work. "The player is pretty experienced and is most likely going to make his way quickly through the game, so I want you to all stay on your toes. I want everyone to get in starting positions for first entry into Zone 2. Break a leg, everyone!"

The group dispersed with Valerie and Japhet making a beeline for the library. Considering it was only a few 'screens' away, they made good time. But now came one of Valerie's least favorite parts.

The bird and the cat reached the third level of the library where they were supposed to wait for the Batter. Japhet turned to him; "You ready?"

Valerie nodded.

The firebird began to shrink, neck, and legs shortening, wings reducing in size, and his hooves turned into regular bird feet. When all was said and done, Japhet was now the size of a small songbird. He flexed his wings and legs, getting used to his new form. Japhet always said he preferred being the majestic, millennial creature that he normally was. Something about being more powerful and intimidating. Valerie thought it was really because of what comes next.

"Open wide."

Valerie opened his mouth as wide as he could. He felt the feathered figure climb into his mouth, then began to work his way down Valerie's throat. Valerie had done experienced this more time than he was willing to admit, and even so he felt as though he was about to gag. He could feel a bulge in his neck that slowly made its way down his body before finally coming to rest inside his stomach. He could feel a wriggling as Japhet repositioned himself, turning around so that when he did come back out it would be face first. He stood slowly, adjusting himself to the new weight that filled his stomach. It was as though he'd swallowed a cannonball, and no matter how many times he did it, it just felt weird. He could only imagine what it was like for Japhet.

"You alright in there?" He looked down at his belly and watched as it moved and bulged, as though it had a mind of its own.

"Yes, I'm fine." Japhet's voice was muffled, but he managed to speak loud enough for Valerie to hear him. The two would be stuck like this for who knows how long. Until the boss fight, but who knew how long the player would take? At least this player seemed to be moving at a good clip. But for now all they could do was wait.

The library was silent, as libraries normally were. One handy trick for telling when the player was getting close to your 'screen' was to listen for the background music. Unbeknownst to the player, there was a full orchestra of Specters that floated behind the camera at all times. The big boss wanted music to be an important part of the game, so he'd made sure that the music was live. If the duo heard the rousing tune of Pepper Steak playing in the distance, they knew the player was on the right track. But for now, silence.

"What books have you been reading as of late, Japhet?" Best to break the ice now before it thickened.

"Ah, I'm glad you asked," Even though Valerie couldn't see Japhet, the enthusiasm in his voice was easily discernible. "I've actually been on a kick lately concerning books that were turned into musicals. I'm very slowly working my way through Les Miserables. It's a lengthy read, however."

"Oh?"

"Yes, about 1900 pages. Supposedly the English version is a sparse 1500, but of course I'm not going to read a translated version. It's too easy for something to be lost in translation."

"Of course."

"But anyway, I'm punctuating the read with chapters of another book turned musical, Wicked. It's quite good."

"Japhet?"

"Yes?"

Valerie pawed at the ground. It was a good thing Japhet couldn't see the mix of emotions he was expressing. "Do you ever feel… jealous?"

"Jealous? I'm feeling a little jealous of people who aren't resting inside a cat's digestive tract right now, if that's what you mean."

"Not quite. I mean of roles. Like the Judge, or the Batter. Do you ever feel jealous that they play a bigger part?"

"Not… Really? It would be fantastic if the boss made some sort of spin-off game starring me, don't get me wrong, but the purpose of my creation was to act as the guardian of zone 2. I'm not jealous of something I'm not meant to be. I was made for a reason, and I do my duty with pride."

"Hmm…"

"What?"

"..." Purpose. Was that what it was?

"Uh, Valerie?"

Was that what bothered him?

"Heads up, Val, you're on!"

Valerie jumped in surprise as the Batter walked up the stairs. Showtime!

The Batter stopped in his pre-appointed position, looking as stoic as ever. Valerie purposefully strode over to him, stopping a few feet away. The rest was up to Japhet, who he could feel wriggling upwards till his head was positioned at the back of Valerie's mouth. In a voice the bird had practiced so many times he called out, "Who… Who are you? What is that in your hand?"

"You're not the Judge," was the Batter's simple, stoic reply.

And so the conversation proceeded as scripted. It was actually a bit annoying for Japhet, as he later told Valerie, because the player was mashing the buttons on their keyboard the entire time, making them speed up their lines. But even as the characters talked, Valerie couldn't help but feel as though he was on to something. So he thought during the conversation. He thought during the ensuing battle as he leapt to and fro, tilting his head and opening his mouth wide so that Japhet could release bursts of sonic energy from his mouth. He thought as he strode through the residential area, and as Japhet chastised the idiot Elsen for not recognizing him. And so he thought as he climbed to the top of the library, and as the clouds drifted past in the sky, simple and carefree.

"You're thinking about something."

Valerie nodded, even though he knew Japhet couldn't see it. "And you, my friend, are observant."

"Not really. I just know you."

He sighed. "Japhet, I think I've finally figured it out. I've never been jealous of the role my brother plays or the Batter. I've never been jealous of any of that." He looked up at the sky. How he wished he could grow wings and take off like Japhet could. "You have been given a true, meaningful purpose. We are all characters created for a reason. The point of our existence lies here."

There was silence from Japhet, and stillness in movement, before he said softly, "You have a purpose…"

"Yes, I know!" Valerie snapped, "And I hate it! DO you know what my purpose is, Japhet? The reason I exist is so I can be a puppet and glorified hat. And I fucking hate it!"

"That's not-"

Valerie could feel a sudden, intense rage build up inside of him. He'd found his epiphany, and it was unbearable. "I want to have a greater purpose! I want to be more! But that's it! That's fucking it! I was designed and coded for that!"

The universe, which Valerie knew worked in horrific ways, decided that this would be the opportune moment to have the Batter and the judge climb onto the roof for the big fight scene.

_It is my belief that every being has a right to strive for happiness, no matter what that happiness may be. You may continue to stew in your jealousy, Valerie, but being jealous won't change anything. You have to be proactive_._ If you desire something greater, don't just talk to me about it. Do it._

"And I'm not going to take it any longer," he hissed under his breath.

Japhet began to wiggle his way up out of Valerie's stomach. He could feel Japhet attempting to become larger and force his way out. "Look, I know you're upset, but please don't do anything rash. We can talk-" Valerie slammed a paw into his belly, and with a squawk he heard Japhet retreat back down.

"Valerie!" the Judge cried out enthusiastically, unaware of what just happened.

Valerie hesitated a moment, but only a moment. "Valerie?" he asked, putting all the bravado he could into his speech, "... That… That is my true name! You have found me out, Batter, with help from my no good brother!" The Judge, who was normally prepared for anything, was not prepared for this. The Director, who was hovering high in the sky, frantically pointed at a script he held in one hand and his face a beet red. The Judge opened his mouth, closed it, and then looked at the Batter, as though the stoic sports player could lend some aid. Valerie grinned fiercely. He hadn't said one goddamn word on camera before. It felt amazing. "It is true that at one point Japhet was the guardian of Zone 2, but I ate him and absorbed his powers! Batter I have been waiting for you!"

"You idiot!" the director screeched, "The game isn't programmed so you can just go off script like that! The game can't take it! We're going to-"

Suddenly, all was dark.

The game had crashed.

* * *

The room was large and white. Far more excessively large than a waiting room needed to be and far more excessively white than a waiting room needed to be. The chair that Valerie sat on was excessively white, the same pure white as the rest of the room, and the same pure white as the other chairs in the room. There was a nervous looking Elsen who sat across from Valerie, fidgeting in his chair. He was white as well, except for his black pants and tie. Two white doors stood on opposite ends of the room, with a white clock positioned over one of them. The only item of color was a portrait of an old galley hanging on one of the walls, struggling against the waves of a storm. The big boss liked boats.

"Um," the Elsen broke the silence, "Excuse me, Mr. Judge?"

"_Valerie._"

"Uh… oh."

The ticking of the clock was highly unnerving. It was a loud, incessant noise that just reminded Valerie of how slowly time was passing. It was almost a relief when the door to the office finally opened, and a certain masked merchant stepped out. He pointed to the Elsen. "Your turn, amigo." The Elsen gave him a curt nod and scurried in just before the man shut the door behind him.

The merchant let out a bemused laugh. "Well if it isn't the kitty that crashed the game."

Valerie sighed. He'd hoped that if he wished hard enough the man would pass him by without noticing he was there. Maybe he could blend into the whiteness and disappear. "I'm not in the mood, Zacharie."

He let out another laugh. "Neither was anyone else when you shut the entire system down."

"... Why are you even here?"

"Don't you know?" He plopped himself down into the seat next to Valerie, much to the cat's annoyance. "I'm a merchant! I sell goods and services!"

Valerie rolled his eyes. He should've known. "I hardly think the boss needs any of your crap, considering it's useless in the real world."

"Not so fast, amigo," countered Zacharie, "for I also sell another commodity that is useful no matter what medium you're created in; ideas."

That piqued Valerie's interest. "Really? What sort of ideas?"

"Why, ways to market the wonderful world of OFF! Behold!" As though he already had his spiel ready to go, Zacharie whipped out a series of pamphlets, booklets, and a variety of different things, all with 'OFF' on the front cover. "The fans of OFF want more! They want sequels! They want canon! But the boss decided years ago that OFF would be a stand alone game. Alas! So every now and then I come and pitch areas where we can branch off and expand. I've suggested books, movies, and more."

The cat smirked. This man was persistent. "And what did you present this time?"

"Two ideas. The first I thought was the most brilliant; 'OFF: The Musical'!"

Valerie tried to process that information, but failed. "... What?"

The merchant steamrolled over his question, shoving a CD into his hands. "Look, I already have the full test album all ready to go!"

Valerie tried processing the information again. "... What?"

"I haven't gotten a full cast together, so I had to sing all the songs myself. It's just a proof of concept, you know? But once I get some fans to form a full cast, it will be fantastic!"

The cat finally broke out of his stupor. He looked down at the CD, which had 'OFF the Musical' emblazoned on its cover. Flipping it over, he saw that Zacharie wasn't lying; there was a full track list on the back.

_Act 1_

_1. Whispers in the Nothing (Ensemble)_

_2. Mission for Two (The Batter, The Judge)_

_3. The Most Important Element (Elsen)_

_4. Look at My Wares, Friend (Zacharie)_

_5. Piss Off (Dedan, Specters)_

_6. I'm Gonna Kill You (Dedan, The Batter)_

_7. Perfectly Safe (Elsen, Japhet)_

_8. So I'm Not Perfect [What Do You Want From Me] (Japhet)_

_9. Judge's Lament (The Judge)_

_Act 2_

_10. Welcome to Zone 3 [Happiest Place on Earth] (Elsen, the Batter)_

_11. Miaou (Zacharie)_

_12. The Most Important Element, Reprise (Elsen)_

_13. The Most Important Element, Interrupted (Zacharie)_

_14. Like Gods (Enoch)_

_15. There Were Three Friends (Enoch, Japhet, Dedan)_

_16. It Takes Two to Tango (Sugar)_

_17. It Takes Two to Tango, Reprise (Zacharie)_

_18. Everything and Nothing (The Queen, The Batter)_

_19. Betrayed (The Judge, The Batter)_

_20. On OFF (Ensemble)_

"I see I don't get a song." Valerie grumbled.

The merchant shrugged. "It's a rough draft; complain when the full version comes out."

"And? What did he say?"

Zachariah laughed. "The same thing he usually says. A remarkably indifferent 'I won't stop you'."

"So... Is that a no?"

"Of course not. It simply means I'll need to get the fans to make it. The boss may not want to assist in the creation of something, but there's no reason I can't get some fans to do it."

Valerie looked up at the clock. It was still moving far too slowly. "Zach, are you… Happy, with your life? Your purpose?"

Zacharie chuckled. "That sounds like a character development question if I ever heard one. And from how deep the question is, we must be at least past the story's mid-way point."

Valerie furrowed his brow in confusion. "What are you-?"

"Never mind me," he chuckled again, "Let me just get to the part where I tell you that true purpose is not something that can be bought. As you can see, the statement ties into my job as a merchant, hence why it sounds so wise. Purpose is something that needs to be crafted, not bought." He rubbed his chin in thought. "Well, we're characters in a videogame, so we get a handicap of starting with a purpose, but sometimes it isn't so pleasant, no?" He laughed again.

"... Enoch said something along those lines too…" Valerie muttered, "And look where that got me…"

"Does that mean either of us is wrong?"

The door to the boss' office opened slowly and the Elsen from earlier came out. "Uh, hhh, your turn, Valerie."

This was it.

Valerie had seen the boss but once, at the beginning, and that felt like ages ago.

He leapt down from his chair and proceeded forlornly through the door. Zacharie called after him, "Wait, I haven't even told you about my other, not quite as brilliant idea!" But the door shut behind him and whatever else he was about to say was cut off.

The office was small and white. There was a small desk that was also white. And behind that desk sat a figure that may have been some kind of a specter. It was human shaped as far as Valerie could tell, and currently he was fiddling with the only colored thing in the room, a ship-in-a-bottle. Valerie watched the figure struggle for a moment with a small piece before finally giving up and setting it down. His head turned towards the cat, and he motioned towards the empty area in front of the desk. "Sit."

"Erm," Valerie looked in confusion and the blank space, "there's nothing-"

"Yes, that's probably true." He tapped his desk a few times with a finger. "Now, do you know why you're here?" Valerie nodded. "And you are now aware of the consequences?"

"I… I suppose-"

"Good. As you know how the program was screwed up, and will surely not screw up the program again, that means out programming bug is now resolved. You may go. Tell whoever is next in line they can come in." He then resumed fiddling with the ship on his desk.

Valerie waited for a moment. That wasn't it, was it? Not even a small slap on the wrist? No asking of why he broke such a cardinal rule?

"Mr. Mortis…"

The figure looked up. "... What?"

"I… I…" Damn it, he had come all this way, he was face to face with the creator himself. What the hell was he supposed to ask him? "I… Would like to make a request." Despite the figure's lack of eyes, he could still feel them bore into his very being. "I… Want a greater purpose. I want to be something greater. I'm tired of having my existence be solely for the reason of housing a giant bird, and then proceed to be a goofy looking hat during a boss battle. I want to have a role that has more meaning." He closed his eyes tight, as though he couldn't look the boss straight in the face when expressing his desires. "I know that this is a lot to ask, and you don't owe me anything, but I want a greater purpose in life!"

The figure just stared at him. Valerie could hear the ticking of the clock from the other room. If a pin was to drop, he was sure the sound would echo loud and clear. Finally the figure spoke; "Valerie. I've always been fond of cats. I created the Judge after my own amazing cat. My cat was even the voice actor. You should've seen him when he was in the opera."

"Oh… um, okay," For some reason Valerie pictured the boss as being more… Coherent.

"And admittedly," he continued in a tired, yet grandiose voice, "it would take a good deal of effort to program an entirely new game, or reprogram this game and make a new plot that revolves around you. And not to mention that plenty of Elsen are completely content with an existence that is subjectively emptier than yours."

Valerie wasn't sure he liked where this was going.

"Not to mention that I've been finished with OFF for a while, have no plans for a sequel, and have moved on to different projects except for the occasional bug fixing, like what I'm doing now." Valerie could feel his ears drooping. "But, your emotional plea has swayed me." His ears perked back up. "I see you are sad. So I shall now make you unsad."

"R-r-really!?" Valerie had to do all he could to restrain himself from leaping to the figure's side and rubbing himself against the boss' legs.

"Yes!" The figure stood dramatically, causing the chair behind him to topple over. "From here on out, you shall have a purpose greater than even that one remaining Elsen in zone 3 could ever dream of having!"

"What?! What is it!?" Valerie cried out, barely containing his excitement. His dreams were about to come true!

"From now on, whenever some fan asks me whether Zacharie's cat mask is made from your face, I shall answer YES! Now you can be a hat AND a mask!"

Valerie's heart dropped like a stone. "... You… You..."

The figure bowed graciously. "Thanks for stopping by!"

And suddenly Valerie was looking at a small yacht rocking back and forth in a plastic sea. The yacht was tethered to a wooden post of the dock he was now standing on. The dock in question was connected to The City's port. There was no where for anyone to sail to, and the only boat was the yacht that held the boss' private office, which was also the yacht he'd just been ejected from.

And it was at that moment that Valerie felt something explode. Years of frustration and anger he wasn't even aware he'd been bottling up now coming to light in a wave that felt like it was going to wash him right off the dock. Valerie leapt onto the yacht and pounced on the cabin door, scratching and biting and screaming.

"You damn bastard!" he shrieked, "you think you can treat me like a joke?! Like I'm nothing?! Get your fat ass out here and-!"

"Valerie?" The cat swiftly turned to face the other cat that was sitting on the dock behind him. The Judge's eyes were wide with surprise. "I am under the impression that this is not the time for interruption."

Valerie looked back at the yacht's door. He wasn't getting in any time soon. And if he did, the stupid boss would just warp him out again. His cause was pointless... And so was he.

He stepped back onto the dock and walked swiftly past Pablo, not even looking at him. He would just go home. Yes, that's it. He'd go home, and live his life. He'd live, fuming on the inside, till one day his head popped off and everything would spill out in one gigantic cloud, just like an Elsen. Yes, that would be perfect.

"Valerie, what did he-"

"Shut your damned mouth, Pablo," Valerie hissed, whirling around and taking a swipe at his brother with unsheathed claws. That face, always grinning… The Judge had nothing to frown about, HE was happy!

"Your aggression is unneeded, brother," the Judge snapped back, "I understand you're upset-"

"You?! Understand?!" Valerie let out a mocking laugh. "You know nothing about what I'm going through! Ever since you were created you've been the boss' pride and joy of an NPC, based after his filthy, nasty, stinking pet cat! You were made to serve a purpose, an important, vital purpose! The game was practically built around you, you and that damned Batter! What do you understand, Pablo?! Do you understand how I exist only as a means to make everyone feel sad for you?! 'Boo hoo, poor Judge, he lost his brother!' Well I don't hear anyone crying over me! No shouts of 'poor Valerie'!"

"You narcissistic piece of shit," the Judge shouted, his face turning red with rage, "It's always about you, isn't it?! No one can understand ME, no one can empathize with ME! Take a moment to remove your head from your ass and look around! You think I wouldn't have you star by my side in the pulse of a heart beat?! You think it doesn't pain me to the bone to see you throw yourself into an abyss of self pity and hatred?! I'm not your foe, you dunce, and to think so is an err of grave and malicious intent! I'm your brother, damn it, I care-"

"Brother?!" Valerie shoved his face into the Judge's, looking him directly in the eye, "I was MADE to be your brother! There's no familial bond here except a manufactured, empty shell! My existence is a sad, pathetic attempt to make your existence the more pitiable one! You aren't my brother; I'm your brother, and that's all I'll ever be, 'the Judge's brother'!"

"But you're still my kin, Valerie! There's naught a thing that'll alter that fact!"

"You think I care?!" His claws dug into the wooden dock, knuckles turning white as he gripped tightly on the wooden surface. "No one draws pictures of Valerie! Not without Japhet or you in it! No one writes stories about Valerie! No one makes videos about Valerie! No comics about Valerie, no Tumblr accounts starring Valerie! NO ONE! GIVES A SHIT! ABOUT VALERIE!" He gasped for breath. His throat was sore from the yelling. "No one… Gives a shit about me…"

The Judge looked him right in the eye and snarled, "... I do."

He averted his gaze. "Yeah, well, fuck you, you're supposed to care."

The Judge scoffed, "Myself and many others. Does Japhet mean nothing to you? Enoch? Zacharie?" Valerie didn't respond. "You may continue to push those who try to offer the fruit of friendship and compassion away. Best of luck, and I hope that works out for you. As for me, you're still my brother, whether you're programmed to be or not." He took a slip of paper out of some hidden pocket and set it face down on the dock before sliding it towards Valerie. "Zacharie handed this to me as he came out of the yacht. He saw I was waiting for you and told me to give you this, he confided something about never mentioning his second idea. I'm going homewards. Come back once you've cooled off." He turned away and started walking back inland, calling over his shoulder, "And someone always gives a shit."

Valerie curled up into a ball and listened as his brother's footsteps against the wooden dock faded to nothing, leaving only the sound of the waves lapping against the shore and the boat. The sun slowly started to sink below the horizon, drowning in the white splendorous sea.

He gingerly picked up the slip of paper and read what it said.

And he reread it.

And reread it one more time.

_Purpose is something that needs to be crafted, not bought._

_You may continue to stew in your jealousy, Valerie, but being jealous won't change anything. You have to be proactive._

He closed his eyes and felt the wind on his fur, much like the wind that whipped past him when he flew high in the sky.

Purpose was something he'd have to make for himself, eh?

He felt a sudden calm settle over him.

I… I think I can do that.

He looked at the paper one last time; _Auditions are now open for the new OFF fan game; HOME. Apply now!_

* * *

_Thanks to BiteWorseThanBark's story Bitter for the inspiration behind this story and thank YOU for reading. Please review and let me know what you thought of the story! Any and all critiques are appreciated!_

_Also OFF the Musical needs to be a thing. Someone get on that._


End file.
